Unfinished

I always thought i would find solace in an empty shot glass
But time makes sure that the troubles will pass
We roam the streets at night, that grand feeling of security  in packs lowers our inhibitions
We loudly proclaim our first thoughts, but barely ever listen
In a state of inebriation we expose our true selves
A state of mind we often visit, one we know oh so well
A lack luster version of whom you admire?
Or your apprehensive self in new attire?

What is it in life?

What is it in life that drives you to do things out of the ordinary?

We are students, employees, brothers, sisters, aunts, girlfriends, mothers, cousins, husbands, grandsons, nephews, widows and somehow in the vast tapestry of this universe we are all connected. Are we pre-destined to make the choices we do? or is everything that we do in our own free will. We dont always take the easy path, we struggle working those shitty jobs to live in house you can’t afford or you study at school to get a job in a field that you don’t even know if you want. Whilst the normal workdays slowly passes throughout the week we gear ourselves up for relief on the weekend only to tire oneself more. What makes us choose the people we associate with?

Do we choose our friends or did they choose us?, i struggle with the fact that people want to talk to me let alone pursue an ongoing friendships (but thats just me and i prefer to be alone most times). What makes us choose the ones we want to be with? what i mean is what makes us want to be with someone unconditionally, what makes us love the one we do? Is it pre-determined or more in our genes, is there a mechanism in our body which makes us attracted to someone with strong genes just to make genetically better offspring?.

When you wake up in the morning what happens? do you wake up thinking about someone? or do you wake up next to that someone?. Having someone else sleeping with you is an amazing thing it has both ups and down, sure the whole thing in fact is not always sexual and i can assure non-sexual sleeping together is better.

Right so you wake up your next to a person who likes you enough so much that they can trust you whist they are asleep, now just say its your bed you girlfriend or whomever that was has left you residence and you go about your daily duties and its time to fall asleep again you lay in you bed and the pillow next to you smells like her (albeit i am sounding creepy) but that scent reminds you of everything, the first things you said to her, the first time you heard her laugh, the way she smiles when she laughs, the colour of her eyes, Stupid things you said, the first kiss, when she took your hand to dance, when you took her hand to go outside, and that feeling of assurance when you don’t care about what happens next, that feeling that drives us to do the inordinary.

So is that the only thing that drives us to do what we do? do we work to get money to but a car which drives us to a better job which drives us to buy a house which we fill with expensive furniture which is a reflection of your shallow self which you cover with expensive clothes only to find a suitor so you can share this with? So old fashioned movie-style love doesn’t exist, is life just consummation/pro-creation, i’m beginning to think its is.

The more people i meet the more i appreciate life and at the same time i have never felt more alone, not to say at 20 going on 21 i want to meet the person i want to spend the rest of my life with, not to say i will only be happy with that someone special. My social life is slowly diminishing, my love life is driving me insane, the ideals and principals my life is based on seems irrelevant and don’t co-exist with the way my life is running now.

I’m sure there is another person who is going through the same thing or maybe i have lost my grip on sanity but all i want is the last first kiss, the last first dance and the last first impression. Oh and the best/worst first thing i ever said to someone was a quote by a very famous guy i know i believe it went along the lines of “up ur’ hole”.

peace.